A long-awaited warm tight hug from my loving mom in heaven after 11.5 months

Time flies. In another 2+ weeks' time, it will be my mom's one-year anniversary in heaven.

For the last 11.5 months, it has been very tough for us, especially my dad and me, who used to depend so much on my mom, seeing her every day, talking to her every day, eating her cooking every day.

I like to have physical contact with my mom - be it holding her hands, touching her beautiful face, kissing her forehead, hugging her, putting face mask for her, or carrying her up in the air and swinging her in circle hearing her burst into laughter.

I'm never ashamed of showing my fondness and love for my mom in public. Whenever we go out - be it to morning market for weekly marketing, or hypermarket for grocery shopping, or shopping malls for our shopping or meals, or traveling to Port Dickson, Cameron Highlands, Penang, Thailand, etc, I never fail to hold her hands in the public. And my mom never fails to hold my dad's hands in public too.

When my mom decided to go to heaven abruptly end last year, I lost count of how many times I kissed her cheek and forehead on the day I brought her to hospital to the day she was cremated. I was told not to kiss her after the funeral personnel put the balm on my mom. But I refused to listen to their order. I continued to kiss her cheek and forehead until I could no longer as they nailed the coffin.

Since then - I could only hold on to her clothes in her bed room for her smell.

Since then - I could only think of the days my mom and I spent together.

Since then - I have been longing for her physical hug every second, every moment.

I was so hoping I could hug her again one day - even in my dream!

But it never happened, even after much prayer.

A long-awaited warm tight hug from my loving mom in heaven after 11.5 months

But last night, my mom appeared in my dream again.

And this time, she came forward with a big loving smile to give me a very very very warm warm warm tight tight hug.

I looked at her and I broke down in tears.

I quickly responded to her warm hug and I hugged her so so long, so so tight for the longest time.

I cried and cried.

My hug was getting tighter and tighter not wanting to let her go.

I was hoping the time would stand still and stop at that particular moment.

We both didn't talk much. We just hugged each other so tightly. But I knew my mom knew what I have been going through in life. And I didn't have to explain or tell her. Looking at her loving face, it was full of love for me. I could also see her empathy for me. I could sense that she understood everything I have been going through.

I sobbed and sobbed uncontrollably showing the most vulnerable part of me to her.

In real life, I have been trying my best to be as strong as possible for my dad. And a lot of times, I have been holding back my own feelings so that my dad would not feel sad.

Day by day, it has been eating into me more and more. Sometimes, i just feel like going to a mountain or a beach to sream it aloud to let it all out. And I could only release it when I pray or talk to my mom.

So we hugged, and hugged, and hugged in silence with only my sobbing sound. I didn't even want to let go of her.

I couldn't remember how long we were hugging each other but it seemed to be the longest time I have ever hugged my mom. 

Then, it was time for her to go.

She slowly released me from the tight hug.

She gently pulled her body away from me.

When I knew she was going to leave me and I would never know how long I have to wait again for her to appear in my dream again to give me such long warm hug, I started to scream out to my mom, "mama! mama! mama! mama! mama!...", hoping she would stay a big while longer.

Then I woke up from my dream, with my mouth still moving to the silent voice of  "mama!".

I could no longer hold back myself. With dad in the same room close by, I suppressed myself from crying aloud. After a while, I went to sleep again hoping my mom would appear again to hug me. But she didn't come again to my dream for second time.

Thank you, mom for your warm hug! No matter how old I'm, I always want your hug when I don't feel good.

Thank you, mom for such a wonderful warm hug! A hug that I have been missing for the last 1 year. A hug that I will miss forever.

No matter how old I'm, I always want you when I don't feel good. And I haven't been feeling good since you left us. I have been pretending to the world out there that I'm strong. I need to be strong for dad. But I'm not strong as many might think. I just don't show only.

I hope you will visit me more often in my dream, giving me a much needed hug that I need, to allow me to release all my pains in my heart to you.

Till I see you again in my dream allowing me to release my pain to you, I will continue to be strong.

A hug makes everything better than 1,000 words...
Go hug your mom, your dad, or loved ones... 

Written on 2016.11.20

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  1. It is very open and courageous of you to share your feelings. Very touching. I lost my mother several years when she suffered an intracerebral hemorrhage, and still miss her terribly. You are keeping your own mother's memory alive through your blog, which is a lovely tribute to her and to your devotion to her. She would be very proud of you.


    1. Dear Wayne,
      I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. Many people say time will wash away the pain, but I doubt it. And I fully understand how you feel - missing your own mother terribly despite several years have passed. Let's encourage each other and those with the loss of loved ones to be strong and to live a meaningful life to repay back the kindness and love of our mothers who brought us to the world.

      Thank you very much for your encouragement on writing this love tribute to my mom. Yeah - I was struggling earlier whether to share openly and courageously my inner feelings on my blog. It would have exposed my weakness. But I really want to continue to keep good memories of my mom. And it's this motivation that drives me to share it here. And I hope that if at all there is someone who has read this article and makes him / her to appreciate his own mother or father even more, then it would have served this blog's purpose too.
      Once again, I really appreciate you leaving this wonderful word of encouragement here. Thank you, Wayne.